A wry view of life for the world-weary

It’s The Way I Tell ‘Em (18)


It is about time we had another round of intellectual humour. People often accuse me of stealing other people’s jokes and being a plagiarist – their words not mine – but here goes:

  • Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.
  • Standard deviation is not enough for the perverted statistician.
  • Research just published by statisticians reveals that the average human has one testicle and one mammary gland.
  • What, according to Sigmund Freud, comes between fear and sex? Funf.
  • All the functions were invited to a calculus party. Ln(x) sees his friend ex sulking in the corner. “What’s wrong, ex“? he asks. “I’m so lonely”, says ex . “Well you should go integrate yourself with the crowd”, ln(x) retorts. ex cries in despair, “It won’t make any difference”.
  • To understand recursion, you must first understand recursion.
  • Entry for day 19 in Pavlov’s Dog’s diary – I have successfully conditioned my master to smile and write in his book every time I drool.
  • A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball. The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer asked if anyone had a red rubber ball volume table as he only had blue and purple.
  • There are only two hard things in Computer Science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
  • A group of mathematicians are at a team building seminar. When during the night a fire breaks out in one of the mathematicians’ rooms he quickly tears pages out of his notebook, setting them alight one by one. He then runs down the hall sliding sheets of burning paper under the other mathematicians’ doors. After the building burns to the ground the fire marshal asks the mathematician how the fire spread so quickly. He responds. “I thought distributing the problem would lead to a faster solution.”
  • A visitor to Boston wants to try that delicious New England seafood he’s heard about. Getting into a cab he says to the driver, “Take me to where I can get scrod”. The cabbie turns round and says, “I’ve heard that request a thousand times but never in the pluperfect subjunctive”.
  • Forty days pass, the flood recedes, and Noah and his family are settling in. Noah’s wife notices that all the animals are starting to reproduce, except for a pair of snakes. She asks Noah about it, and he says he’ll take care of it. A week later, Noah brings his wife out to the workshop, and shows her the snakes in their basket on top of the picnic table he just built. “How is this going to get them to reproduce?” she asks. “Trust me,” he replies. A few days after that, she notices there are eggs in the basket. She is delighted, and asks Noah how the picnic table could have possibly helped. He says, “My dear, even adders can multiply on a log table.”
  • And finally (for now) what do you get when you put root beer in a square glass? Beer!

To be continued…


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