A wry view of life for the world-weary

Old Codgers Of The Week – Part Five


More tales of the derring-do of the elderly.

What is it with dentists? Is it something to do with a lifetime of battling against patients’ halitosis and probing their cavities (joke courtesy of Julian Clary) that sends them off the edge? If they are not blasting the bejeebers out of innocent lions, they are acting as drug mules.

News reached me this week of the appearance in a Sydney court of 91-year-old Victor Twartz, accused of importing nearly 5kg of Colombian Marching Powder into the lucky country. He was thought to be the oldest person to be arraigned before the beak for drug trafficking. Twartz, was allegedly given a bag of coloured soaps with ominous white veins running through them at Delhi airport as a gift to the good people of Australia. Wonder if he had to show his boarding pass when he collected them?

On the other side of the fence I stumbled across this heart-warming tale of British bulldog spirit, the stuff that won us the war etc. A lady in her 80s was out walking her dog in Stoke Orchard near Cheltenham when she was attacked by a much younger man and punched in the face, inflicting on the pensioner cuts and bruises. Undeterred the game woman struck back by grabbing her assailant by the balls, using such force that he fell to the ground. The police are looking for the attacker who, presumably, now has a high pitched voice. Good on her.

And finally, want to know the key to longevity? According to Agnes Fenton, 110 years young, three beers a day and a shot of whisky over the last 70 years has done the trick. Alas, on the advice of her carers who want her to watch her alcohol intake now she isn’t eating as much, she has stopped drinking. Leave her alone, for goodness sake.

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