A wry view of life for the world-weary

It’s The Way I Tell ‘Em (21)


It is the run up to the Festival of Mammon and we all need a bit of light relief so here goes:

  • I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  • Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  • The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it is still on the list.
  • Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people seem bright until you hear them speak.
  • Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it into a fruit salad.
  • The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse will get the cheese.
  • Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  • Children. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut up.
  • Better to be silent and thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal ideas from many is research.
  • How come it takes one careless match to start a forest fire but a whole box to start a camp fire?
  • I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
  • A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove you don’t need it.
  • A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory.
  • I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
  • The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he is in trouble.
  • Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
  • My opinions may have changed but not the fact that I am right

And to finish up, specifically for the festive season

  • Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even if you wish they were and
  • Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.

To be continued.


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