A wry view of life for the world-weary

It’s The Way I Tell ‘Em (22)


It is the run up to the Festival of Mammon and we all need a bit of light relief so here goes:

  • Worrying works. 90% of what I worry about never happens.
  • If in doubt, mumble.
  • (For TOWT) a bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
  • Knowledge is power and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
  • You’re such a good friend that if we were on a ship that was sinking and there was only one life jacket left, I would miss you terribly and think of you lots.
  • I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
  • A bus is a vehicle that goes twice as fast when you are after it than when you are in it.
  • I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
  • Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which you will die.
  • Children seldom misquote you. In fact they usually quote word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
  • I have never understood why women like cats. They are independent, don’t listen, don’t come in when you call them, they like to stay out all night and when they come home, they like to sleep and be left alone. Precisely all the qualities women hate in men.
  • It is hard to understand why a cemetery increases its burial costs and blames it on the cost of living.
  • Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
  • It is amazing how all the news that happens in a day always fits a newspaper exactly.
  • Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
  • Definition of an archaeologist. Someone whose career lies in ruins.
  • The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your actions.
  • We are all time travellers, moving exactly at the speed of 60 minutes an hour.
  • To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential.
  • It matters not whether you win or lose. It matters whether I win or lose.

To be continued.


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