A wry view of life for the world-weary

It’s The Way I Tell ‘Em (24)


A welcome return to an old favourite

  • My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the hell she is – Ellen DeGeneres
  • I like to play chess with old men in the park. Although it is hard to find 32 of them – Emo Phillips
  • One armed butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out – Tim Vine
  • A sewage farm? In what way is it a farm? Is there a shop? – Jack Dee
  • I was not a particularly small child. I was the one that always got picked to play Bethlehem at the school nativity play – Jo Brand
  • I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare. Then I thought, why should I? He never reads one of mine – Spike Milligan
  • Every town has the same two malls; the one that the white people go to and the one that the white people used to go to – Chris Rock
  • I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That is the one thing I’m so indebted to her for! – W.C.Fields
  • God gave men a brain and a penis but, unfortunately, not enough blood supply to run both at the same time – Robin Williams
  • How do you tell when you are out of invisible ink? – Steven Wright
  • My therapist told me that the way to discover inner peace is to finish what you have started. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already – Dave Barry
  • Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other, does he taste funny to you? – Tommy Cooper
  • I’ve got an uncle. Why? Now we’re getting somewhere. Is he alive? No. He fell through a trap door and broke his neck. Was he building a house? No. He was hung – Laurel and Hardy
  • First the doctor gave me the good news. I was going to have a disease named after me – Steve Martin
  • You know you are getting old when you bend down to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do whilst down there – George Burns
  • She said she was approaching forty. I couldn’t help wonder from which direction – Bob Hope
  • I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance – Peter Kay
  • Where there’s a will, there’s a relative – Ricky Gervais
  • I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas. Is she grateful? No, she says she’d rather have it in a cup – Eric Morecambe
  • Do you know how many middle-aged men go out for a pint of milk and never come back? Not enough – Jenny Éclair
  • A big girl came up to me after the show and said, “I think you’re a fatist”. “No”, I said, “I think you’re fattest” – Jimmy Carr
  • I met my wife in Hong Kong. I said, “Bloody hell, what are you doing here?” – Alexei Sayle

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