A wry view of life for the world-weary

It’s The Way I Tell ‘Em (25)


Some more jokes for your delectation

  • A class system is something you use to discriminate against someone who looks like you – Reginald D Hunter
  • If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?- Lily Tomlin
  • Francois – Do you know what kind of bomb it was? Clouseau – the exploding kind – Peter Sellers
  • The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius – Sid Caesar
  • I don’t trust that man. Before he gave his business cards out, he shuffled them – Red Buttons
  • I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves – Nick Helm
  • The doc tells me I have a dual personality. Then he lays a 82 dollar bill on me and I give him 41 bucks and say, get the other 41 bucks from the other guy – Jerry Lewis
  • What’s Postman Pat called on his holidays? Pat – Aisling Bea
  • I’m trying to quit smoking. I’ve quit everything else, drink and drugs, but smoking’s the toughest one. There’s not enough immediate regret, is there? Oh my God, what was I thinking? I’ve made getting up stairs pretty difficult in 30 years’ time – Brendon Burns
  • I like the Ten Commandments but I have a problem with the ninth. It should be – Thou shall not covet thy neighbour’s ox, except in Scrabble – David O’Doherty
  • It’s important to live your life by a motto. I chose to live my life by the motto, My enemy’s enemy is my friend. Unfortunately, as it turns out, my enemy is his own worst enemy. So I have to invite him to barbecues – Richard Herring
  • When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, “Oh, two or three”. And she wonders why her marriage didn’t work out – Josie Long
  • In your thirties, your friends just disappear. I don’t mean they die. They just move to Birmingham which is worse – Lucy Porter
  • I’m so ugly. My dad carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet – Rodney Dangerfield
  • A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he gets married. By then it’s too late – Frank Skinner
  • My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivalled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne – Tina Fey
  • My problem with the Grand Canyon is Americans are too proud of it for my liking. The Grand Canyon was like that when they found it! And it’s not like it was difficult to find – Ed Byrne
  • I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died. “What are you doing with that hammer?” – Lee Mack
  • Never trust a man who when left alone with a tea cosy doesn’t try it on – Billy Connolly
  • And finally some graffiti on the door of a lavatory cubicle at University College in Cardiff, courtesy of Rod Liddle – I used to be a structuralist but now I’m not Saussure.

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