A wry view of life for the world-weary

It’s The Way I Tell ‘Em (26)


As I think we could all do with cheering up, here are some more one-liners for your edification.

  • I think my neighbour is stalking me as she has been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
  • When wearing a bikini women reveal 90% of their are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
  • Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
  • Top 3 situations that need witnesses. 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages. Need I say more?
  • A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.
  • I can really keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.
  • Whatever you do, give 100%. Unless you are donating blood.
  • I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
  • When I told my doctor about my memory loss, he made me pay in advance.
  • Yesterday I fell from a 30 foot ladder. Thank God I was on the third rung.
  • I’m having an introvert party you all are not invited.
  • I have just as much authority as the Pope, I just have fewer people who believe it.
  • I always tell my staff, don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.
  • My doctor told me jogging could add years to my life. She’s right. I feel ten years older.
  • I love what you have done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?
  • If you don’t drink, smoke or do drugs, you may live long enough to be a real burden to loved ones. Pass the wine.
  • Cancer is the cure for smoking.
  • Those of you who think you know it all are damn annoying to those of us who do.
  • Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days.
  • And finally, remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

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