It’s The Way I Tell ‘Em (26)
June 23, 2016
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As I think we could all do with cheering up, here are some more one-liners for your edification.
- I think my neighbour is stalking me as she has been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
- When wearing a bikini women reveal 90% of their body..men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
- Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
- Top 3 situations that need witnesses. 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages. Need I say more?
- A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.
- I can really keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.
- Whatever you do, give 100%. Unless you are donating blood.
- I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
- When I told my doctor about my memory loss, he made me pay in advance.
- Yesterday I fell from a 30 foot ladder. Thank God I was on the third rung.
- I’m having an introvert party you all are not invited.
- I have just as much authority as the Pope, I just have fewer people who believe it.
- I always tell my staff, don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.
- My doctor told me jogging could add years to my life. She’s right. I feel ten years older.
- I love what you have done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?
- If you don’t drink, smoke or do drugs, you may live long enough to be a real burden to loved ones. Pass the wine.
- Cancer is the cure for smoking.
- Those of you who think you know it all are damn annoying to those of us who do.
- Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days.
- And finally, remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.