A wry view of life for the world-weary

It’s The Way I Tell ‘Em (28)


Some more one-liners for your delectation:

  • I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
  • Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.
  • The first time I got a universal remote changer, I thought “this will change everything”.
  • I’ve been searching for four years for my girlfriend’s killer, but no one will do it.
  • Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
  • As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought “dogs are easily amused”. Then I realised I was watching the dog chasing his tail.
  • Gambling addiction helplines would be so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
  • Hedgehogs? Why can’t they just share a hedge?
  • Just because no one complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.
  • To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet – you can hide, but you can’t run.
  • Velcro – what a rip-off.
  • I’ve just written a song about tortillas – more of a rap, actually.
  • Since I’ve had a neck brace fitted, I’ve never looked back.
  • I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rose on. Then it dawned on me.
  • My wife just found out I have replaced our bed with a trampoline – she hit the roof.
  • My wife told me sex was much better on holiday – not a nice postcard to receive.
  • I like to hold hands at the cinema – which always seems to startle strangers.
  • I said to the gym instructor, “can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “how flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays”.
  • Police arrested two kids yesterday – one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.
  • And finally, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t stop singing Green Green Grass of Home”. “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome”. “Is it common?” It’s not unusual”.

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