To get you into the festive mood, or not, here are some one liners bad enough to grace a Christmas cracker:
What do you call an old snowman? Water
What’s a dog’s favourite carol? Bark, the herald angels sing
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas Quacker!
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star? Beyon-sleigh!
Why has Boris Johnson bought mistletoe this year? Because he’s tired of being in the single market!
What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert? Lost
Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys? Carbon footprints
Which of Santa’s reindeer has the best moves? Dancer!
Why was the turkey in the pop group? Because he was the only one with drumsticks!
What do you get if you put a bell on a skunk? Jingle smells
What is white and minty? A polo bear!
What are the best Christmas sweaters made from? Fleece Navidad!
What athlete is warmest in winter? A long jumper!
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson!
What happens to elves when they are naughty? Santa gives them the sack!
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas? One that’s deep pan, crisp and even!
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy!
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!
What do you call a deer who can’t see? No eye-deer!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells!
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia!
How does Christmas Day end? With the letter Y!
How many letters are in the angelic alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has “no EL”!
What carol is heard in the desert? O camel ye faithful!