Category Archives: Humour

Ban Of The Week

It might seem a drop in the ocean but having a pee in the sea off Vigo, the Galician seaside resort in northern Spain, could land you in hot water.

The council have just passed a byelaw that explicitly states that anyone caught urinating “in the sea or on the beach” could be subject to a fine of up to €750, declaring the practice to be a hygiene and sanitary risk as well as having the potential to affect the local wildlife. Vigo joins Portugal and parts of Thailand in banning the practice.

The Vigan council are installing more public toilets to meet demand during the peak tourist season but are remaining tight-lipped as to how they propose to impose the ban, leading some to speculate that it is more froth than substance.

Acrostic Of The Week

Getting the right choice of words to put on the gravestone of a loved one can be a tricky business. There are so many pitfalls that most of the inscriptions are little more than a variation on a theme, the details of the deceased and a trite message of affection.

Steven Paul Owens died aged 59 in September 2021 and his family have erected a headstone in his honour at Warren-Powers Cemetery in Polk County in Iowa. The inscription reads “Forever in our hearts, until we meet again, cherished memories, known as: our son, brother, father, papa, uncle, friend & cousin”. Quite touching.

However, the formatting of the inscription over seven lines has upset the Camp Township Board of Trustees, who are responsible for the graveyard, because the first letter of each line forms an acrostic spelling out the phrase Fuck Off. It is no unhappy accident as, according to Owens’ family, the deceased used it as a term of endearment and that if he said it to you, it meant that he liked you. If he didn’t like you, he simply stayed quiet.

As no word has been forthcoming from the deceased on the furore, I can only assume that he is not happy.

Croissant Of The Week

Selling like hot cakes at Café Zavertailo is a new croissant which is described as a croissant pastry crust, with custard vans, baked apples, Italian meringue, and crowned with a scoop of vanilla ice. Costing 97 hyrvnias (€3) forty-two are made at a time and such has been the demand that the café makes three batches a day.

Said to be inspired by the British Prime Minister and his trademark hairstyle, the bakers have made one serious error. Their croissant delivers what it promises, no word of a lie.

They have also denied that they have plans to make a tart in honour of the British Culture Secretary. We will see.

Cruise Of The Week

Covering an area of at least 500,000 square miles and with vertices at Miami, San Jose in Puerto Rico, and Bermuda, the Bermuda Triangle continues to fascinate. At least 75 aeroplanes and hundreds of ships are reported to have mysteriously disappeared in the area leading to theories that there are undersea pyramids in the area, hexagonal clouds, and even alien bases.

If you have a yearning to see the area for yourselves – spoiler alert, it is just a patch of water in the western part of the North Atlantic Ocean – then Virginia-based Ancient Mysteries Cruise would be delighted to hear from you. They are advertising a cruise which will set sail in March 2023 from New York City on the Norwegian Prima liner towards Bermuda through the Triangle. They offer an experience of a lifetime, “a fascinating journey on a glass-bottom boat in the Bermuda Triangle”, yours for £1,450 per cabin.

Worried about disappearing? The company offer a money-back guarantee in the event you disappear into the wide blue beyond or are taken hostage by aliens.

Now, where do I sign up?

Bottle Of The Week (2)

With Father’s Day just around the corner, an American import inspired indirectly by that country’s largest mining disaster, thoughts turn to a suitable gift for the paterfamilias. If he is a whisky drinker, you have just missed the opportunity to make a big splash.

Edinburgh-based auctioneers, Lyon & Turnbull, have just sold an 86-gallon bottle of 32-year-old Macallan single malt in an on-line auction for $1.4 million. The six-foot tall bottle, twice the width of an average man, holds the equivalent of 444 standard bottles, known as “The Intrepid”, has been certified by Guinness World Records as the largest whisky bottle in the world.

The biggest it may be, but it is not the most expensive bottle of whisky. That honour goes to a bottle distilled at Macallan in 1926 which fetched $1.9 million in 2019.

After splashing that amount on a whisky, perhaps he should add some Birkentree Birch Water, a new mixer designed to provide a smooth and refined texture to a single malt. For more details, follow the link below:

How the anonymous foreign buyer is going to pour a dram from his bottle is anyone’s guess. Still, if he spills a drop or two, there is more from where it came.