A wry view of life for the world-weary

Category Archives: Humour

It’s The Way I Tell ‘Em (29)

I feel we all need cheering up so here are the ten best jokes from the 2017 Edinburgh Fringe Festival:

  • Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side – only three more sleeps till Christmas – Robert Garnham
  • Centaurs shop at Topman. And Bottomhorse – Dan Antopolski
  • Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs – Paul Savage
  • I’m very conflicted by eye tests. I want to get the answers right but I really want to win the glasses – Caroline Mabey
  • Relationships are like mobile phones. You’ll look at your iPhone 5 and think, it used to be a lot quicker to turn this thing on – Athena Kugblenu
  • My vagina is kind of like Wales. People only visit ironically – Evelyn Mok
  • In the bedroom, my girlfriend really likes it when I wear a suit, because she’s got this kinky fantasy where I have a proper job – Phil Wang
  • The Edinburgh fringe is such a bubble. I asked a comedian what they thought about the North Korea nuclear missile crisis and they asked what venue it was on in – Grainne Maguire
  • How did the Village People meet? They obviously led such different lives – John-Luke Roberts
  • If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead – Olaf Falafel


Pub Of The Week

I shall be going to Scunthorpe next March – I know, it is an exciting life I lead – and I must really make an effort to find the Mallard in Scotter Road to see if the luck of the pub rubs off on me. Landlord, Ian Brooke, I learned this week, has won the Lotto million pound jackpot.

Nothing too unusual in that but, incredibly, he is the third person associated with the pub to have won a million quid in the last four years, regulars, David and Kathleen Long, winning the Euromillions raffle twice, in July 2013 and March 2015.

There is no truth in the rumour that scores of people have been struck by lightning whilst trying to get to the pub!

Pee Of The Week

It’s a funny thing but whenever I’m watering the garden, I almost immediately feel the need to relieve myself. Fortunately, I have sufficient self-control to make it to the toilet before letting go. Not so, I learned this week, stable staff when they are mucking out their horses. Their habit of having a wazz, whilst going about their horsekeeping duties, is so endemic that trainers are now erecting signs in their yards reminding their staff not to urinate in the boxes.

It all came to light when a horse, Wotadoll, finished unplaced in a race in Wolverhampton last year but was found to have a metabolite of the painkiller, Tramadol, in her system. An enquiry has revealed that the probable cause was Shaun Cuddy having a wazz while mucking out. So seriously have the British Horseracing Authority taken this behaviour that they fined the horse’s trainer £750 for spending a penny.

Leaving a deposit has had even more disastrous consequences for Andrew David Jensen who allegedly broke into a house in the Californian city of Thousand Oaks. Whilst he was rifling through the house owner’s possessions, he answered an urgent call of nature. The police were able to collect sufficient DNA from his poop to identify Jensen on their database. Some nine months after the burglary, he has had his collar felt and is up before the beak. Always flush after you’ve been is my motto.

Sporting Event Of The Week (6)

News has reached me of Paul “Under-the-thumb” Browse’s success at the 9th World Thumb Wrestling Championship held at the Locks Inn at Gedleston in Norfolk last weekend. He beat Tom “Young Dumb and Full of Thumb” Wright from this year’s City of Culture, Hull, in a tense and thrilling final to retain his crown.

The sport is fairly simple. Competitors stick their thumb of choice through a hole in a wooden board which is decorated to resemble a wrestling ring. Elbows are to be firmly planted on the surface at all times. Contests last for two rounds of sixty seconds and the winner is the one who, in the referee’s opinion, has pinned their opponent’s thumb down for the length of time it takes to say “one, two, three, four, I win the thumb-o-war.” If there is no winner there is a sort of penalty shoot-out in th form of a sudden death game of scissors, paper and stone.

As well as locals competitors came from as far as America, Poland, Germany, Australia, India and South Africa to stand thumb to thumb with the champ. Several hundred spectators watched the fun and, I understand, that next year’s competition is to be streamed live to a worldwide audience.

The rule that fingernails are to be kept short does not deter the fairer sex and Becca ‘Thumby Thumbkenstein’ Anne from Gillingham in Norfolk won the Women’s Championship.

Bender Of The Week (4)

Heard the one about seven priests walking into a pub? They entered the City Arms in Cardiff – it sold a decent pint of Brains SA when I last went there – dressed up in their full clerical gear. As the Church of England has recently voted to let priests dress down and ditch their robes for services, the bar man naturally thought they were a stag party. The City Arms is one of those pubs, thankfully there are a few around, that ban stag parties and so the holy septet were shown the door, all the while protesting their innocence.

The story has a happy ending as the pub’s manager realised the mistake and chased after them. The priests, who were celebrating the elevation of two of their party to the deaconship, were invited back for one on the house, an offer which they gratefully accepted. The assembled topers celebrated this act of charity by breaking out into applause. One of the ranges of beers in the Brains portfolio is called the Rev James and, inevitably, one of the party was a certain Rev James.

The manager’s place in heaven has been secured!

Moral of the story – if you want a free pint in the City Arms, dress as a priest.

Position Of The Week

My latest book, Fifty Curious Questions – now available via Amazon and all good booksellers (there is a distinction) – seeks to answer some of those maddening questions that life throws up. One that escaped my attention was: Which is the most dangerous sexual position for men?

Fortunately, the improbably named International Journal of Impotence Research, a flop if there ever was going to be one, has come up with the answer, reporting the results of some research conducted in Brazil into the circumstances which led to penile fracture in 90 victims. The answer, it appears, is doggy style. Men aged between 20 and 30 are most likely to suffer this injury because of their fitness and firmer erections. Eighteen unfortunates fractured their penises in the UK last year, according to the ever helpful NHS.

For women, if this incident which came to my attention this week is anything to go by, it may be deciding their respective positions in a three-some. Two women were discussing the point when one of them toppled 10 feet from the balcony of a house in the German town of Bad Breisig. She broke bones in her feet and legs. Her friend (or rival) rushed down the stairs to help her, slipped and broke bones in her arms and neck. Both had a stay in hospital whilst the chap, presumably, was left wondering why they were taking so long.

A good book and cup of cocoa seems the safest option.

Job Of The Week (2)

Good to see the local job market is supporting our obese friends. Not sure how many 7.5 tonne drivers there are, though!

Hobby Of The Week (2)

I am firmly in the camp that views golf as a long walk spoiled, a comment falsely attributed to Mark Twain but which seems to have been first used in print by H S Scrivener in 1903. As a sport it is slightly counter-intuitive in that the worse you are, the longer it takes. Usually, in competitive sports if you are a complete duffer, you are able to get off the field of play in pretty short order.

I can just about tolerate miniature golf aka crazy golf but I am not as obsessive as Richard and Emily Gottfried, whose exploits came to my attention this week. They have visited and played 743 miniature golf courses, from Cornwall to Loch Lomond and aim to finish the lot – there are some 800 in total – over the next twelve months. The only worm cast on the green is that more seem to be opening up – there were only 600 when they started – making their self-imposed task even more difficult.

It all began, as it often does, at Southsea in Hampshire in 2006 when the couple played a pirate adventure golf course there. Richard won a free game, they returned the next day and they were hooked.

As Emily commented, it was a way of “getting out and about the country.” As someone who once visited all the football grounds in England and Scotland, I can empathise with that.

Property Of The Week

The dearth of properties in our green and pleasant land is such that enterprising builders will cram a house into any available space. A property close to transport links is an added bonus and at first glance this newly built, two-bedroom terraced house in Langley Mills in Derbyshire, on sale for £140,000, seems just the ticket.

However, on closer inspection the bus shelter is right in front of the garden path, blocking the garden path. The only way you could get to or from your front door is by climbing over the garden fence.

The estate agents (natch) say that the bus shelter will be removed but as to when, who knows?

Hobby Of The Week

Every man should have a hobby but occasionally it can get out of hand as this story I stumbled across this week involving a now retired banker, Nick West, from Clevedon in North Somerset shows.

I have heard of tegestologists – collectors of beer mats – and labeorphilists – collectors of beer bottle labels – but West has gone one further – he has a collection of 9,000 beer cans. His interest was whetted in 1975 when his wife (stupidly) bought him a book on beer. Of course, collecting cans has its up-side as he had to consume the contents of each can before consigning them to the shelves.

So hooked did West become that he had to make several alterations to his house to accommodate his ever-growing collection. But following his and his wife’s retirement and a decision to downsize living accommodation, Nick has called time on his collection.

Shame really but I’m sure he will be open to offers!

If you are within striking distance of Shrewsbury, aged between 11 and 19 – oh, distant days – and want to get in touch with your artistic side, check out the Summer Artschool, run by that enterprising group, Participate Contemporary Artspace. It runs from July 31st until August 11th 2017 and successful participants will receive the Bronze Arts award which is recognised by colleges and universities. For more details

For the ardent horticulturalist, going away for a holiday during the peak growing season can create a bit of a dilemma. Fortunately, I had no such concerns and dunked my pumpkins in a shallow bowl of water whilst I enjoyed the sun in Costa Blanca. The plants survived their studied neglect and I have now been rewarded with a profusion of yellow flowers. All male at the moment but days of pumpkin sex won’t be too far away!