Category Archives: Humour

Squirrel Of The Week

Red squirrels might be so scarce in Britain because of the loss of their habitat and their inability to compete with the imported grey squirrel but their poor gastronomic choices might have something to do with it.

A red squirrel broke into the Atholl Road branch of Greggs in Pitlochry through the eaves on a Saturday night and refused to move out, forcing locals had to do without their sausage rolls for several days. The squirrel’s occupation was manna from social media heaven for Greggs who shared updates of the chase with their followers and were finally able to tweet four days later that “after giving us the run around, we managed to catch the Greggs squirrel safe and sound”.

They posted a video of it being released into the the nearby Faskally woods. The shop then had to be thoroughly deep cleaned – every cloud has a silver lining – but is now open for business again.

Perhaps the squirrel will stick to nuts next time it feels hungry.   

Swap Of The Week

Necessity is the mother of invention they say. With Ukraine and Russia accounting for around 80% of the world’s sunflower oil production, many European countries are feeling the pinch with supplies running out or rationed.

Having run out of oil one night, the managers of Giesinger Bräu, a brewhouse and pub in Munich, scratched their heads and came up with an innovative plan to ensure that they would always have enough to cook their punters their schnitzels with. They have launched a barter system, offering a litre of the brewery’s finest ale to any customer in return for a litre of sunflower or rapeseed oil.

With a litre of beer costing €7 and a litre of oil €4.5, it seems a great deal, with customers swapping over 400 litres at the time of writing. One enterprising customer, Moritz Baller, bought 80 litres of sunflower oil on a recent trip to Ukraine delivering humanitarian aid and swapped it for eight crates of beer to fuel his birthday party.

A case of greasing the palm, you might say.

Twitter Handle Of The Week

Pity poor Liz Trussell. Her Twitter handle is @Liztruss and for some reason politicians, newshounds and other unsavoury characters seem to mistake her for the new British Prime Minister, Liz Truss, who, as social media was another thing she discovered late in the day, has had to make do with @trussliz.

Still, it has boosted her followers and Trussell does seem to have a sense of humour. On September 7th she tweeted “Grabbed lunch at IKEA today, picked up a new cabinet”. However, things are likely to get worse for her, at least in the short term, if the experiences of John Lewis are anything to go by.

Lewis whose Twitter handle is @JohnLewis and whose profile says he is a “Computer science educator, father of four, social liberal, atheist, and not a retail store”, receives upwards of 50,000 tweets a year from people trying to contact the British retail store, John Lewis, whose handle is @JohnLewisRetail.

Life was so much simpler when we made phone calls and wrote letters.

Twins Of The Week

Identical twin sisters, Brittany and Briana Deane, met identical twin brothers, Jeremy and Josh Salyers, at the annual Twins Day Festival, held, appropriately, in Twinsburg, Ohio. Cupid shot a pair of arrows into their hearts and their beaux both got down on their knees on February 2nd, 2018, to ask for their hands in marriage, presenting them with identical engagement rings. The date, 02/02, symbolised, they believed, a double proposal and a double marriage.

Obviously, they got married on the same day wearing the same outfits and there was only one place where the marriage could take place – The Twins Day Festival in Twinsburgh.

At this point what was quirky turned a little weird. They all live in the same house, in Bedford County in Virginia, with the menfolk working for the family lakeside wedding venue while Brittany and Briana work as attorneys four days a week for the same law firm in Roanoke. Both Brittany and Briana suffered miscarriages during their first pregnancies, but Brittany and Josh’s son, Jett, was born in late 2020, followed five months later by Briana and Jeremy’s son, Jax.

Marriages between two sets of twins are known as quaternary marriages and the offspring, both cousins and brothers, so close are their genetic makeup, are known as quaternary twins.

Variety is not for some folks, it seems.

Leak Of The Week

When nature calls, it must be answered, or was this a case of taking the piss?

During yesterday’s First Qualifying Round of the FA Cup between Blackfield & Langley FC and Shepton Mallet FC history of sorts was made, when the home side’s goalkeeper, Connor Maseko, was sent off in the 76th minute after the referee spotted him urinating in a hedge behind the goal. It is thought this is a first in the competition’s long history.

The drama was not over. A disagreement on the touchline later saw one of the Blackfield coaching staff shown a red card and one from Shepton Mallet.

Unlike their goalie, Blackfield managed to hold out until full-time to secure a 0-o draw. The replay will take place on September 6th and Shepton Mallet have already started looking for a portaloo supplier to sponsor the game.

Perhaps Blackfield should erect a plaque on the spot to commemorate a piece of FA Cup history. It would give him something to aim at next time.