Tag Archives: best one-liners

Christmas Crackers (12)

And to round off our review of cringeworthy attempts at Christmas humour:

Why is Parliament like ancient Bethlehem? It takes a miracle to find three wise men there.

What do you get if you lie under a cow? A pat on the head

What athlete is warmest in winter? A long jumper

What did the snowflake say to the fallen leaf? You are so last season

How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he’s visited? He keeps a logbook.

What goes ha ha ha clonk? A man laughing his head off!

Which of Santa’s reindeer have the worst manners? Rude-olph

What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? A Pineapple

What did the sea say to Santa? Nothing! It just waved!

And finally…a skeleton goes into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a mop!

Hope you had an enjoyable time.  

Christmas Crackers (11)

More Christmas cracker jokes for your delectation:

I wish I could afford Rudolph and Blitzen decorations for my tree this year.

Alas, they’re two deer.

What did the Kremlin send MI6 in their Christmas hamper?

A mince spy.

What happened when Santa got stuck in the chimney?

He had an attack of Claustrophobia.

What did the drunk snowman say to the carrot?

‘Get out of my face!’

What does Santa do when his elves misbehave?

He gives them the sack

How did Scrooge win the football match?

The ghost of Christmas passed

Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh?

He wanted to see time fly!

What happens if you eat Christmas decorations?

You get tinsel-it is.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Gladys who?
Gladys Christmas. How about you?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Honda who?
Honda first day of Christmas my true love sent to me…

Christmas Crackers (10)

If you have not had enough Christmas cracker jokes today, here are some more:

What happened to the man who stole an Advent calendar? He got 25 days

Why do Santa’s little helpers require no training? They are elf-taught

Why are Santa’s reindeer usually drenched with water? They are rain-deer

Why will a Christmas tree never win Great British Sewing Bee? Because it always drops its needles.

What do you get if you cross a snowman with a mosquito? Frostbite

What is the best gift you can give a child at Christmas? A broken drum. You can’t beat it

What is the first thing an elf learns at school? The elf-abet

Which of Santa’s reindeers is always sneaking off to a club? Dancer

What are Spanish Christmas sweaters made of? Fleece Navidad

How did Mary and Joseph know that baby Jesus weighed 7lb 6oz? They had a weigh in a manger

Festive greetings to you all.

Christmas Crackers (9)

To get you into the festive mood, here are some jokes with a topical twist.

Why are people cutting back on Brussels sprouts this year? The cost of gas is too high

Why can Netflix afford calamari this year? They’re Squids in

Which vaccine did Father Christmas get? Mince Pfizer

Why did Rudolph’s nose have to self-isolate? It failed a lateral glow test

Which vaccine did the Three Wise Men have? The Wiser jab

Why does it take so long to play a game of Scrabble with Boris Johnson? He keeps going back on his word

Why will Keir Starmer be sad on Christmas morning? He will still have no presence

What pantomime are the government performing this year? Chris Whittington

How do you know the December heating bill is too high this year? We can’t even open the Advent calendar windows

Festive greetings to you all.

Christmas Crackers (8)

To get you into the festive spirit, or not, here are some one-liners bad enough to grace a Christmas cracker:

What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective? Santa Clues!

What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh? Santa going through a revolving door!

What is Santa’s favourite place to deliver presents? Idaho-ho-ho!

What did the sea Say to Santa? Nothing! It just waved!

What does Santa do with fat elves? He sends them to an Elf Farm!

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas Quacker!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws!

What’s a child’s favourite king at Christmas? A stocking!

What do you call a dog who works for Santa? Sant a Paws!

Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas Party? Because he had no body to go with!

What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk? Jingle Smells!

Why is everyone so thirsty at the north pole? No well, no well!

What do you call a three legged donkey? A wonkey!

Why are pirates great? They just aaaaaaarrrrr!

What did Santa do when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker

How is Drake like an elf? He spends all his time wrapping

What is the Grinch’s least favourite band? The Who!

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Because their days are numbered!

What do you get if Santa forgets to wear his undercrackers? St Nickerless

Festive greetings to everyone.