Tag Archives: Christmas jokes

Christmas Crackers (8)

To get you into the festive spirit, or not, here are some one-liners bad enough to grace a Christmas cracker:

What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective? Santa Clues!

What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh? Santa going through a revolving door!

What is Santa’s favourite place to deliver presents? Idaho-ho-ho!

What did the sea Say to Santa? Nothing! It just waved!

What does Santa do with fat elves? He sends them to an Elf Farm!

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas Quacker!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws!

What’s a child’s favourite king at Christmas? A stocking!

What do you call a dog who works for Santa? Sant a Paws!

Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas Party? Because he had no body to go with!

What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk? Jingle Smells!

Why is everyone so thirsty at the north pole? No well, no well!

What do you call a three legged donkey? A wonkey!

Why are pirates great? They just aaaaaaarrrrr!

What did Santa do when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker

How is Drake like an elf? He spends all his time wrapping

What is the Grinch’s least favourite band? The Who!

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Because their days are numbered!

What do you get if Santa forgets to wear his undercrackers? St Nickerless

Festive greetings to everyone.

Christmas Crackers (7)

To get you into the festive spirit, or not, here are some one-liners bad enough to grace a Christmas cracker:

What type of key do you need for a Nativity play? A don-key!

What happened to the turkey at Christmas? It got gobbled!

Why did the turkey join the band? Because it had the drumsticks!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!

What do snowmen wear on their heads? Ice caps!

How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle

What do snowmen eat for lunch? Iceburgers!

When is a boat just like snow? When it’s adrift!

What do you call Father Christmas on the beach? Sandy Claus!

What do you call a cat in the desert? Sandy Claws!

Who delivers presents to cats? Santa Paws!

Why did the turkey cross the road? Because it was the chicken’s day off!

What do snowmen eat for lunch?  Iceburgers!

What says Oh Oh Oh? Santa walking backwards!

What do elves learn at school? The Elfabet!

Why can’t Christmas trees knit? Because they always drop their needles!

What’s green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet? Mistle-toad!

What’s yellow and dangerous? Shark-infested custard!

Why is it so difficult to train dogs to dance? They have two left feet!

What wobbles and flies? A Jelly-copter!

What goes ha ha ha clonk? A man laughing his head off!

Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory? Because he couldn’t concentrate!

How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey? On the dark side!

Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star? Beyon-sleigh!

What did the stamp say to the letter? Stick with me and we’ll go places!

Christmas Crackers (6)

To get you into the festive mood, or not, here are some one liners bad enough to grace a Christmas cracker:

What do you call an old snowman? Water

What’s a dog’s favourite carol? Bark, the herald angels sing

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas Quacker!

Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star? Beyon-sleigh!

Why has Boris Johnson bought mistletoe this year? Because he’s tired of being in the single market!

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert? Lost

Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys? Carbon footprints

Which of Santa’s reindeer has the best moves? Dancer!

Why was the turkey in the pop group? Because he was the only one with drumsticks!

What do you get if you put a bell on a skunk? Jingle smells

What is white and minty? A polo bear!

What are the best Christmas sweaters made from? Fleece Navidad!

What athlete is warmest in winter? A long jumper!

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson!

What happens to elves when they are naughty? Santa gives them the sack!

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas? One that’s deep pan, crisp and even!

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!

What do you call a deer who can’t see? No eye-deer!

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!

What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells!

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia!

How does Christmas Day end? With the letter Y!

How many letters are in the angelic alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has “no EL”!

What carol is heard in the desert? O camel ye faithful!

Christmas Crackers (5)

Here, allegedly, are the best contemporary Christmas cracker jokes. Make of them what you will.   

  • Why does Donald Trump have his Christmas dinner on a plastic plate? – He doesn’t get on with china.
  • Why is Parliament like ancient Bethlehem? – It takes a miracle to find three wise men there.
  • Christmas dinner is a lot like Brexit. Half the family were told they needed to make room for Turkey, so opted to leave Brussels.
  • Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys? – Carbon footprints.
  • What is Coleen Rooney’s favourite game to play over the festive period? – Guess Who.
  • Why doesn’t Jeremy Corbyn ever visit Santa? – Because he struggles in the poles.
  • Why is Greta Thunberg boycotting parsnips and carrots at Christmas? – Because she’s a swede dish campaigner.
  • What’s the difference between Rudolph’s nose and David Cameron’s autobiography? – Only one will be red at Christmas.
  • What do you call a snowman who goes on Love Island? – A melt.
  • What is Olivia Colman’s favourite part of a turkey? – The Crown.