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A wry view of life for the world-weary

Tag Archives: Edinburgh Fringe

It’s The Way I Tell ‘Em (20)

intellectuals

Here are the best jokes from the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe Festival for your delectation:

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free – Darren Walsh

Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse … but enough about Kanye West – Stewart Francis

Surely every car is a people carrier? – Adam Hess

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter – Masai Graham

If I could take just one thing to a desert island, I probably wouldn’t go – Dave Green

Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas – Mark Nelson

Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day – Tom Parry

The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves – Alun Cochrane

Clowns divorce: custardy battle – Simon Munnery

They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for – Grace The Child

I never lie on my CV, because it creases it – Jenny Collier

If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself – Ian Smith

I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time – Tom Ward

Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I’m reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It’s someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn’t – Gyles Brandreth

And finally, let me tell you a little about myself. It’s a reflexive pronoun that means “me” – Ally Houston

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It’s The Way I Tell ‘Em (17)

intellectuals

Well, here they are – this year’s pick of the Edinburgh Festival one-liners

  1. “I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust” – Tim Vine.
  2. “I’ve written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn’t fit it into my set” – Masai Graham.
  3. “Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief” – Mark Watson.
  4. “I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn’t work. You could only fill it in with number ones and number twos” – Bec Hill.
  5. “I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me” – Ria Lina.
  6. “Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal” – Paul F Taylor.
  7. “Scotland had oil, but it’s running out thanks to all that deep frying” – Scott Capurro.
  8. “I’ve been married for 10 years, I haven’t made a decision for seven” – Jason Cook.
  9. “This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it” – Felicity Ward.

It’s The Way I Tell ‘Em (6)

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It’s that time of the year when the awards for the best jokes at the Edinburgh Fringe are announced. For your delectation I reproduce them with attributions.

The top 10 were:

  1. Rob Auton – “I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.”
  2. Alex Horne – “I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.”
  3. Alfie Moore – “I’m in a same-sex marriage… the sex is always the same.”
  4. Tim Vine – “My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him ‘Don’t be Sicily’.”
  5. Gary Delaney – “I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.”
  6. Phil Wang – “The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men.”
  7. Marcus Brigstocke – “You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost.”
  8. Liam Williams – “The universe implodes. No matter.”
  9. Bobby Mair – “I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance.”
  10. Chris Coltrane – “The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately.”