Tag Archives: High brow humour

It’s The Way I Tell ‘Em (19)

intellectuals

In an attempt to brighten up a Monday, here’s another batch of high-brow humour.

  • What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference? I don’t know and I don’t care.
  • Two fermions walk into a bar. The first says “I’d like a vodka martini with a twist.” The second says “Dammit, that’s what I wanted!”
  • I sometimes regret that I never learned French but… such is life.
  • I told a very good chemical joke once… but there was no reaction.
  • A statistician is at the doctor’s office. The doctor says, “I’m afraid you have type I diabetes.” The statistician replies, “Well, that’s a relief. I thought I had diabetes.”
  • Mathematicians don’t die. They just lose some of their functions.
  • Do you have any sodium hypobromite? Na BrO.
  • A philosopher and a socialist are sitting in the porch of a nudist colony. “Have you read Marx?”, asks the philosopher. “Yes, I think it’s the wicker chairs”, says the sociologist.
  • A denominator-of-two walks into a bar. The bartender looks up, and in a calculating manner asks, “What’ll you halve?”
  • A physicist, a chemist, and a biologist are walking on the beach. The physicist sees the waves rolling in and cries, “Hydrodynamics! I must study this,” and promptly disappears into the ocean. Later, the Biologist spies a school of dolphins. He immediately grabs his waterproof notebook and wades out into the water, only to disappear. The chemist promptly pulls out his lab notebook and writes, “Biologists and physicists appear to be soluble in water.”
  • A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.” “You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist. “I do,” replies the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.” The man below says, “You must work in business.” “I do,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?” “Well,” says the man, “You don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
  • To be is to do – Socrates. To do is to be – Sartre. Do Be Do Be Do – Sinatra
  • And finally, Fibonacci is as easy as 1, 1, 2, 3 …

It’s The Way I Tell ‘Em (18)

intellectuals

It is about time we had another round of intellectual humour. People often accuse me of stealing other people’s jokes and being a plagiarist – their words not mine – but here goes:

  • Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.
  • Standard deviation is not enough for the perverted statistician.
  • Research just published by statisticians reveals that the average human has one testicle and one mammary gland.
  • What, according to Sigmund Freud, comes between fear and sex? Funf.
  • All the functions were invited to a calculus party. Ln(x) sees his friend ex sulking in the corner. “What’s wrong, ex“? he asks. “I’m so lonely”, says ex . “Well you should go integrate yourself with the crowd”, ln(x) retorts. ex cries in despair, “It won’t make any difference”.
  • To understand recursion, you must first understand recursion.
  • Entry for day 19 in Pavlov’s Dog’s diary – I have successfully conditioned my master to smile and write in his book every time I drool.
  • A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball. The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer asked if anyone had a red rubber ball volume table as he only had blue and purple.
  • There are only two hard things in Computer Science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
  • A group of mathematicians are at a team building seminar. When during the night a fire breaks out in one of the mathematicians’ rooms he quickly tears pages out of his notebook, setting them alight one by one. He then runs down the hall sliding sheets of burning paper under the other mathematicians’ doors. After the building burns to the ground the fire marshal asks the mathematician how the fire spread so quickly. He responds. “I thought distributing the problem would lead to a faster solution.”
  • A visitor to Boston wants to try that delicious New England seafood he’s heard about. Getting into a cab he says to the driver, “Take me to where I can get scrod”. The cabbie turns round and says, “I’ve heard that request a thousand times but never in the pluperfect subjunctive”.
  • Forty days pass, the flood recedes, and Noah and his family are settling in. Noah’s wife notices that all the animals are starting to reproduce, except for a pair of snakes. She asks Noah about it, and he says he’ll take care of it. A week later, Noah brings his wife out to the workshop, and shows her the snakes in their basket on top of the picnic table he just built. “How is this going to get them to reproduce?” she asks. “Trust me,” he replies. A few days after that, she notices there are eggs in the basket. She is delighted, and asks Noah how the picnic table could have possibly helped. He says, “My dear, even adders can multiply on a log table.”
  • And finally (for now) what do you get when you put root beer in a square glass? Beer!

To be continued…

It’s The Way I Tell ‘Em (12)

intellectuals

Raiding the high-brow Christmas crackers to celebrate the festive season

  • What is the difference between a micro-economist and a macro-economist? The micro-economist is wrong about specific things whereas the macro-economist is wrong about things in general.
  • Why did the Buddhist monk refuse Novocaine?. He wanted to transcend dental medication.
  •  There was a masochist who loved to take a cold shower at 4 in the morning .. so he didn’t
  •  Who led the Pedants’ Revolt? Which Tyler.
  •  I was able to teach my horse mathematics, astronomy and literature but there is one thing it just wouldn’t learn. “What was that?”. Philosophy – you just can’t put Descartes before a horse”.
  •  Two dyslexics are walking down the road and one says to the other, “Do you smell gas”. The other says, “You’re kidding. I can’t even spell my own name”.
  • Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” inquired Holmes. Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!”
  • How many feminist academics does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to screw in the light bulb, the other write a thesis on the passive role of the light socket.
  • A radio physicist walks into a bar. The barman asks, “What’s new?”. The radio physicist says C over lambda.
  • A chemist, an engineer and an economist are trapped on a deserted island. One day a box of canned food floats ashore. The chemist says, “We can leave the cans in the salt water until they rust open.” The economist disagrees, “That would take too long.” The engineer says, “Right, we should drop the cans onto those rocks and break them open nice and quick.” The economist disagrees again, “Then the contents will be splatter across the ground.” The other two look at the economist and ask, “Then how should we open the cans?” “Well, assuming we have a can opener…”
  • And finally (for now) how do you hide a £50 note from an orthopaedic surgeon? Put it in a text book.

It’s The Way I Tell ‘Em (11)

intellectuals

 

More high brow jokes.

  • Seven fifths of the British public can’t understand simple fractions.
  • Doctor. I have this terrible hereditary disease. What’s that, then ? Chronic diarrhoea. Diarrhoea is NOT hereditary. Well, it’s in my genes.
  • Leading scientists have discovered the gene that causes shyness …… it was hiding behind two other genes.
  • I came home to find my wife in bed with all eleven Dr Whos. She argued that it was technically only one person.
  • Two antennae met, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
  • How many peace protesters does it take to change a light bulb? Well, one according to the protesters but the police estimate is considerably less.
  • I suffer from kleptomania. When it gets really bad, I take something for it.
  • I didn’t know photons had mass. I didn’t even know they were catholic.
  • The Categorical Imperative implies you Kant always get what you want.
  • What is another word that means the same as “Wuthering”? I don’t know, I would have to consult a brontesaurus.
  • Why do scientists prefer Neutron debit cards? Because there is no charge
  • And finally (for the moment) the trouble with careers in Archaeology is that they end up in ruins!

 

It’s The Way I Tell ‘Em (10)

intellectuals

 

More high-brow jokes

  • What did the sub-atomic duck say? Quark, quark
  • There are two signs of genius. The first sign is that they always forget things. The second is – oh, I can’t remember
  • A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a pint and a mop.
  • A 19th century explorer is mapping the American West and comes across a tribe of natives. He is taken to see the chief. He enters the teepee to find that the chief has three wives. Two of them are holding sons in their laps and are sitting on old deer hide rugs. The third has no son but is sitting on a beautiful hippopotamus hide rug.
    The explorer asks ‘Why, chief, do you privilege the wife who bears you no children over the two who do?’ The chief responds ‘I love all my wives equally. The two who have children are happy for their sons. My third wife is barren, so I make up her lack of children by giving her a beautiful hide to sit on.’ The explorer thinks a bit and says, “So what you mean is the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides?”
  • Salman Rushdie is writing a vegan cookbook. It is called The Seitanic Verses.
  • Why doesn’t Derrida like Christmas? Because he was denied presence.
  • “How’s that paper coming along?” “Slowly, of course, It’s on Dante”
  • Why did the Marxist cross the road? Historical inevitability!!!!
  • Did you hear about the post-modern mafia? They’ll make you an offer you can’t understand.
  • An SQL query walks into a bar, goes over to two tables and asks “Can I join you?”.
  • What were Mayakovsky’s last words before he committed suicide? “Comrades, don’t shoot!”
  • And finally (for now) Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis decide to make a film about the lives of famous composers. Bruce Willis says, “I’ll be Beethoven!” Sylvester Stallone says, “I’ll be Mozart!” and finally Arnold Schwarzenegger says, “I’ll be Bach.