Category Archives: News

Dildo Of The Week

Doctors were left shell-shocked when an 88-year-old man turned up at the Hôpital Sainte Musse in Toulon with an unusual complaint; he had an eight-inch long First World War artillery shell stuck up his anus which, he claimed, he had inserted for pleasure His arrival prompted a call for bomb disposal personnel, the evacuation of the adult and paediatric emergency unit, and the diversion of incoming emergencies.

Once the authorities had satisfied themselves that the shell was not live, they proceeded to remove the two-inch wide shell by performing abdominal surgery. As one doctor remarked, “it rarely comes out from where it comes in”.

The man, unnamed to spare his blushes although red cheeks were the least of his problems, was recovering well and said to be in good health.

You have to take your pleasures where you can, I suppose.

Art Critic Of The Week (7)

Police forced their way into the Laz Emporium in London’s Soho last month after receiving reports of an unconscious woman slumped over a table in the locked-up gallery. At the time they arrived, an employee had locked up the gallery and gone off to make a cup of tea. When she returned, she found the door off its hinges and two baffled coppers.

What the police had found was a life-like sculpture entitled Kristina. Commissioned by Steve Lazarides, the gallery’s owner and one time agent of Banksy. It depicts Lazarides’ sister slumped over with her face in a bowl of soup. It is said to be worth around £18,000.

Satisfied there was nothing amiss, the police went on their way.

Art, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.

TV Critic Of The Week (2)

In the week that the final (for now) three episodes of Harry and Meghan were released on Netflix, a pub in Chiswick, the Duke of Sussex, has issued a suitably succinct and witty critique, renaming their session beer “Harry’s Bitter”. Described as “a royally good tipple” it has an an ABV of just 3.9%.

Entertaining, refreshing, but leaving no lasting damage. Says it all.

Birthday Of The Week

It is rare to hear of a government that does something that brings immediate benefit to its citizens but at the stroke of a legislative pen the South Koreans will soon become a year younger. Hitherto, a child has been deemed to be a tear old as soon as it is born and then a year is added to its age every January 1st. Under the system a child born on New Year’s Eve would become two a day later.

However, when it came to determining the legal age for drinking alcohol and smoking and for eligibility for national service, a person’s age was set a nought on birth and a year added each January 1st. It has all got very confusing.

In an attempt to cut the Gordian Knot the Korean Parliament has approved legislation that will adopt the international age-counting system where age is set at nought on birth and incremented by one at each birth day.

The changes will come into force next June. According to a poll conducted by the Ministry of Government Legislation, mare than 80% of South Koreans supported the move and 86% said they would go by their birth date age in their daily lives.

Hearse Of The Week

With quieter, more environmentally conscious funerals becoming increasingly popular and on trend, Parisian undertaker, Isabelle Plumereau, believes she has the perfect solution to the problem of how to convey the coffin in a greener way. She is hoping to launch Paris’ first bicycle hearse service.

Using a specially designed cargo bike made of lightwood and black in colour, adapted to meet French regulations, she believes it will offer a more down to earth pace to the funeral cortege. “Everyone walks at the same pace [behind it]”, she enthuses, “and we hear each other, we hear the sounds of nature around us, the wind in the trees, the birds. In my view, this is the best way to console yourself”.

She is now waiting for the green light from her insurers before launching the service in earnest. Several countries, including Switzerland and Denmark, already have bicycle hearse services.

It might just catch on.